# Two Daughters Foundation: Full Content

> Two Daughters Foundation is a U.S.-based 501(c)(3) non-profit that runs free peer grief support groups for young adults (ages 18 to 39) who have lost a parent, and keeps a waitlist for young adults whose parent is living with serious illness. This file contains the full text of the foundation's support pages and blog for AI assistants and other readers. See https://www.twodaughtersfoundation.org/llms.txt for the summary version.

## Peer grief support groups

URL: https://www.twodaughtersfoundation.org/support

Two Daughters Foundation runs free monthly peer grief support groups for young adults aged 18 to 39 who have lost a parent or parental figure. Groups meet online for an hour each month, with occasional in-person activities, and serve Northern California, Oregon, and Washington, D.C. Groups are peer support guided by a facilitator, not therapy, and siblings grieving the same parent are welcome to attend together. There is no fee and no requirement that the loss be recent. Young adults whose parent is currently receiving care for a serious illness can join the waitlist for a virtual peer support group via info@twodaughtersfoundation.org. Two Daughters Foundation does not provide therapy or crisis services; people in crisis should contact the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline.

## Grief Support Groups in Sacramento and the Bay Area

URL: https://www.twodaughtersfoundation.org/support/sacramento

Losing a parent in your twenties or thirties can be deeply isolating, especially when the people around you have not been through it. Our Northern California group brings together young adults from Sacramento, the Bay Area, and nearby communities who understand that kind of grief firsthand.

The group is free, meets online once a month for an hour, and serves young adults aged 18 to 39 in Sacramento, Davis, Roseville, Folsom, San Francisco, Oakland, San Jose, Berkeley, and other communities across Northern California. To join, email Shannon Bell at shannon@twodaughtersfoundation.org.

## Grief Support Groups in Portland and Oregon

URL: https://www.twodaughtersfoundation.org/support/portland

When you lose a parent young, it can feel like you are grieving on a different timeline than everyone around you. Our Oregon group is a place for young adults in Portland and across the state to be with peers who understand that.

The group is free, meets online once a month for an hour, and serves young adults aged 18 to 39 in Portland, Eugene, Corvallis, Salem, and other communities across Oregon. To join, email Courtney Papen at oregon@twodaughtersfoundation.org.

## Grief Support Groups in Washington, D.C.

URL: https://www.twodaughtersfoundation.org/support/washington-dc

Grief does not pause for work, school, or everything else young adulthood asks of you. Our Washington, D.C. group is a place for young adults across the area to be honest about losing a parent, with peers who understand.

The group is free, meets online once a month for an hour, and serves young adults aged 18 to 39 in Washington, D.C., Arlington, Alexandria, Bethesda, and the surrounding metro. To join, email Gillian Sawyer at gillian@twodaughtersfoundation.org.

# Blog

## Planning A Wedding Without A Parent

URL: https://www.twodaughtersfoundation.org/blog/planning-a-wedding-without-a-parent
Author: Gillian Sawyer | Published: 2026-01-09

As I approach my one-year wedding anniversary, I reflect on the experience of having a wedding without my father, who passed away from pancreatic cancer in 2019. While traditions and customs continue to evolve, weddings remain very dad-heavy: first look photos, the walk down the aisle, the father-daughter dance, and a speech from the patriarch. Even as a guest, witnessing these events makes me feel awkward and hyper-aware of my own loss, and I often choose to excuse myself from these moments altogether.

When I consider how my father’s absence impacted my wedding, I lament the loss of the brilliant and witty speech he would have given at the reception. But I felt his absence more during the months of wedding planning. He would have provided a calming force for my mother, quelling her anxieties over table settings and pumpkin arrangements. He would have been a source of stability for my in-laws, bringing humor and his trademark “none of this is a big deal” attitude that came from years of wrangling four daughters. And he would have been the perfect British ambassador for the UK guests on both sides.

I suppose it was inevitable that I felt his presence everywhere throughout the whole experience. When I had a first call with our wedding coordinator, I zoned out as she listed details, anxiously waiting for the right time to blurt out, “Well, my dad is dead, so we won’t be doing most of that.” I struggled to determine how much wedding traditions should change due to the absence of a parent. It felt like walking a tightrope to carefully remove elements that would bring me or my family discomfort, while not erasing him completely. I made the decision to talk about my dad in a speech during the reception, which helped me acknowledge my loss directly before shifting to our celebration.

I think, ultimately, he would have loved the wedding. We held the ceremony on a beautiful fall day next to our former college campus, a place that my father drove four hours roundtrip every week in the fall to watch my soccer games. My husband chose the UEFA Champion’s League theme song for his groomsmen to walk down the aisle, which delighted the soccer fans in the audience. Our table settings (also credited to my husband) were organized by the various soccer teams we either played on or supported over the years. You may be sensing a theme here. My father loved soccer, or football as he called it. But more importantly to me, he loved my chosen partner. Eerily similar in their reserved pragmatism, sharp wit, loving candor, and a passion for literature and espionage movies, my father and husband had a lot in common. I take enormous comfort in knowing that my dad would not only approve, but would be thrilled in my choice of spouse.

Looking back on the experience, I would give the following advice to any bride or groom planning a wedding without a parent: lean into your heightened awareness of the loss. That feeling will be there no matter what you do to acknowledge or minimize it. It is a constant ebb and flow of emotions: bitterness and frustration, nostalgic moments that make you smile, sadness and loneliness, all colliding with stretches of feeling overwhelmed, excited, and completely consumed by spreadsheets, astronomical wedding costs, and a seemingly infinite list of decisions that your parent isn’t there to help you make. So do what exactly you want– it’s your day. There is no wrong way to plan a wedding. It’s ok if including elements of your parent feels too overwhelming or upsetting. All you can do is your best. At risk of sounding trite, I love the adage that “grief is love with nowhere to go.” So my advice is this: give it to your guests–your closest friends and family. They are attending your wedding to receive your love, and to give it right back.

## When Loss Makes You Feel Anxious

URL: https://www.twodaughtersfoundation.org/blog/when-loss-makes-you-feel-anxious
Author: Shirvin Lee | Published: 2025-01-06

Grief is not a linear process - it comes and goes in waves. Sometimes you feel it strongly and other times it’s in the background. There are moments when the waves feel like they’re so high they’ll submerge you, but there are times when they seem manageable. When experiencing grief, we often hear about the five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance) but what isn’t usually talked about is the anxiety that comes with loss. Anxiety, or the fear or nervousness of the unknown, is a normal feeling that everyone experiences in their lives. Since we cannot tell the future, there will be moments when we question or think about it and feel afraid of something we can’t say for certain. Anxiety can show up in all five stages of grief and it can happen without us even realizing it.

Gabrielle Ferrara, LCSW of the Lukin Center for Psychotherapy, talks about the two ways grief may occur. The first is anticipatory grief, when we expect a loss to occur. The second form comes after a loss. In both of these situations, you might find yourself feeling lost and stuck with the uncertainty. You may feel confused with what to do next and you might start thinking about your own mortality and question the meaning of life and everything about it. When we starting engaging in these thoughts, we can spiral in them and feel overwhelmed with worry and fear.

While overwhelming thoughts are an indication of anxiety, there are physical symptoms like restlessness, difficulty focusing, fatigue, sweating, increased heart rate, and tightness in your chest. It’s easy to play it off and convince yourself that you’re just feeling stressed and it’ll go away with time. While time does play a role in healing, this is also a reminder that the time we are taking for ourselves is important. Adding some certainty during a time of uncertainty can feel impossible and challenging, especially when your world has turned upside down.

So, what can you do when you feel like the ground has been pulled out from under your feet? What is the antidote for anxiety that comes from loss? Focus on what you do know and the things that you can do. Imagine that you have binoculars in your hand - you get to be in control of what you look at and for how long. It doesn’t mean that you have to avoid painful memories or thoughts, but that you can decide for yourself how long you want to stay focused on each thought. It will be difficult and challenging but there is some sense of relief in knowing that you get to hold the binoculars and what you’re seeing is not decided for you by someone else.

As we head into the new year, there will be moments when we forget that we are holding the binoculars and the waves of grief seem huge. Below are some questions to consider and reflect on to help remind us of our needs:

- What am I doing for myself?
- One feeling I’ve felt coming up a lot lately is \_\_\_\_\_ and what I need is \_\_\_\_\_.
- What is one thing you could try to make today easier on yourself?
- What do you do when you notice racing thoughts coming up?

## Disenfranchised Grief: Substance Abuse and Stigma

URL: https://www.twodaughtersfoundation.org/blog/disenfranchised-grief-substance-abuse-and-stigma
Author: Shannon Bell | Published: 2024-08-23

When someone’s loss is not openly acknowledged, socially accepted, or widely mourned, their grief can be described as “disenfranchised” \[1\]. Social norms dictate a range of acceptable circumstances around grief, relating to what loss occurred, how that loss
occurred, and how the bereaved grieve that loss. Once someone’s behavior or the loss in question falls outside of those norms, the support offered and received often decreases. The concept of disenfranchised grief encompasses this process, emphasizing that the internal process of grieving is inevitably impacted by how peers and society at large validate that grief.

There exists a large population in the United States and beyond experiencing disenfranchised grief as a result of losing a loved one to a drug-related death (DRD). [Drug
overdose death rates from 2022](https://nida.nih.gov/research-topics/trends-statistics/overdose-death-rates#:~:text=There were 107,941 drug-involved,to 2022 (Figure 2).) show that almost 108,000 people died as a direct result of drug use. Though a number is difficult to pinpoint, there exist many more people that have died of other causes tied to their drug use. Approximately 17 percent of the survey population in the [2015 National Survey on Drug Use and Health](https://www.samhsa.gov/data/release/2015-national-survey-drug-use-and-health-nsduh-releases) reported use of an illegal drug, use of a prescribed drug, or heavy alcohol use during the previous year. Approximately 8 percent of those surveyed, equaling over 21 million people, reported symptoms or behaviors that indicate substance use disorder.

To clarify what exactly a “substance” in this context means, consider the definition from Thomas McLellen, PhD, former Deputy Director of the Office of National Drug Control Policy. He defines a substance as “any psychoactive compound with the potential to cause health and social problems, including addiction.” Commonly known and used substances include nicotine, alcohol, cannabinoids, opioids, depressants, stimulants, and
hallucinogens.

These drugs not only predispose users to a range of physical and mental ailments, but they also directly alter the brain in ways that perpetuate substance use disorder. Researchers in the medical community have increasingly [recognized addiction as a chronic disease of the brain](https://drugfree.org/article/addiction-chronic-medical-disease/), as it inhibits information processing and communication channels. Research has shown that drug use interferes with the way nerve cells process and transmit information. Drug use also impacts the cortex, which serves as the hub for abstract thinking and cognitive processes, the limbic region, which acts as our emotional reward system, and the hippocampus, which affects our long-term memory.

The use of many addictive substances [can also increase one’s risk for chronic illnesses](https://nida.nih.gov/publications/drugs-brains-behavior-science-addiction/addiction-health), including heart disease, stroke, cancer, HIV/AIDS, Hepatitis B and C, and liver and lung disease. [Data from the National Center for Health Statistics](https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/leading-causes-of-death.htm) show that heart disease, cancer, stroke, and chronic liver disease or cirrhosis all fall within the top ten causes of death in the United States. Each of these can be triggered or worsened by substance use.

When you think of someone announcing they have lung cancer, they may or may not clarify to you that they have “never smoked a day in their life.” Why do we feel the need to say that? Is it because we know that society may sympathize less with our plight if they feel like our actions somehow contributed to the same disease?

Whether or not someone abused substances before their death has a distinct impact on if and how society offers support and if and how the bereaved ask for support. The category of self-destructive deaths, which includes both DRDs and suicide, has long been stigmatized. After a self-destructive death, society has a tendency to attribute blame to the victim as well as their close network of family and friends, though the true web of factors contributing to the death is almost never clear nor straightforward. Many grieving the loss of someone to a DRD feel like others may negatively judge their loved one or their family because of the circumstances around how their loved one lived and how they died \[2\] \[3\]. This fear of judgment is rational – in one study, both close and distant family members and peers indicates that DRDs were not worthy of grieving \[2\]. Media only encourages these attitudes by portraying victims of substance abuse as
sleazy, dishonest, and generally unsympathetic characters.

Close family members and friends often already experience complicated emotions after their loved one’s DRD. In many cases, there exists a conflict between their love for the victim and their frustration about their self-destructive behavior \[4\]. The bereaved may hold conflicting emotions simultaneously. They may feel guilty about what signs they
may have missed or what more they could have done to help the victim or prevent their death \[5\]. They may even feel a sense of relief as their family is released from the seemingly endless loop of substance abuse.

Whether or not someone’s loved one passed as a result of substance abuse does not dictate whether they deserve to grieve or to have the space and support to do so. Those experiencing grief after a DRD need to have the opportunity to process their complicated emotions without judgment. Without access to a strong support network, the social isolation of grieving a DRD can [prolong the grieving process](https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/complicated-grief/symptoms-causes/syc-20360374) and lead to persistent mental health challenges for the bereaved.

Social change starts with individual people changing their outlook and behavior. As with many other aspects of our lives, we must question where our initial reactions come from. We have to spread awareness about the reality of substance abuse in our country and the stigma that affects not only the victims of substance abuse but the families grieving a loved one’s death. The crisis of substance abuse in this country is a failure of our social and economic systems. The stigma towards and isolation of those grieving a drug-related death, however, is a failure of empathy.

\[1\] Doka, K. J. (1989). Disenfranchised
grief: Recognizing hidden sorrow. Lexington Books.

Hochschild, A. R. (1979). Emotion work,
feeling rules and social support. American Journal of Sociology, 85(3),
551–573.

\[2\] Dyregrov, K., & Selseng, L. B.
(2022). “Nothing to mourn, He was just a drug addict” – Stigma towards people
bereaved by drug-related death. Addiction Research & Theory, 30(1), 5–15. [https://doi.org/10.1080/16066359.2021.191232](https://doi.org/10.1080/16066359.2021.191232)

\[3\] Feigelman, W., Jordan. J., McIntosh,
J., & Feigelman, B. (2012). Devastating losses: How parents cope with the
death of a child to suicide or drugs. Springer Publishing Company.

\[4\] Worden, J. W. (2018). Grief counseling
and grief therapy: A handbook for the mental health practitioner (5th ed.).
Springer.

\[5\] Li, J., Stroebe, M., Chan, C., &
Chow, A. (2014). Guilt in bereavement: A framework and conceptual review. Death
Studies, 38(3), 165–171.

## The Unique Challenges of Grief in Young Adulthood

URL: https://www.twodaughtersfoundation.org/blog/the-unique-challenges-of-grief-in-young-adulthood
Author: Shannon Bell | Published: 2024-08-23

Photo source: Yale University. Photo credit: Michael Marsland.

Young adulthood is characterized by a series of life transitions. While many of these constitute important steps in personal and professional growth, they are often accompanied by higher levels of stress, instability, and insecurity about one’s identity and independence (Arnett, 2000).

When I left home and started university, I felt insecure, lonely, and anxious. These feelings manifested in disordered eating, which I contended with throughout my undergraduate years. Near the end of my undergraduate degree, I developed chronic pain. After a year and a half of searching for the cause, I learned that the pain was a result of my untreated anxiety and depression. Once I began a treatment regimen for anxiety, the pain went away. Just a few months later, however, my mom was diagnosed with cancer. Three years after that, she passed away.

Having to face a parent’s mortality at any age is difficult. Young adults, however, are already expected to juggle a multitude of stressors. Young adulthood is a series of new beginnings. Many are starting college, jobs, or relationships. We lean on the constants in our life, often our family, to get us through the anxiety of not knowing fully what comes
next. We rarely expect that in a period that’s all about beginnings, we’ll have to process an untimely end.

Losing a parent early in adulthood feels painful. It also feels wrong. For many young adults, the vision of how their future would look may be totally upended. One study from 2007 found that women who lost their mothers early in adulthood felt like their life had split in two; like they had one identity from before their mom died and another from after (Schultz, 2007).

Though young adulthood is characterized as a journey towards independence and self-fulfillment, it is also a period of tumultuous change. As a result, many young adults struggle during this time to manage their mental health. Having to contend with an unexpected life crisis at this stage only exacerbates existing mental health challenges, especially when those impacted don’t have access to supportive resources (Balk, Tyson-Rawson, & Colletti-Wetzel, 1993).

Mental health disorders often set in before or during young adulthood. Half of anxiety and depression cases set in before ages 25 and 31, respectively (Solmi et al. 2022). Just under two-thirds of all mental health disorders set in before age 25 (Solmi et al. 2022), meaning that many young people are still determining how to best manage their mental health during this time. [The Census Bureau’s Household Pulse Survey data from 2023](https://www.kff.org/mental-health/press-release/latest-federal-data-show-that-young-people-are-more-likely-than-older-adults-to-be-experiencing-symptoms-of-anxiety-or-depression/) showed that half of adults ages 18-25 and 38% of adults ages 25-49 reported anxiety and depression symptoms. These were the highest levels across all age groups.

[Census data from 2021](https://www.census.gov/library/stories/2023/03/losing-our-parents.html#:~:text=As people age, they are,to 39-year-olds) show that just over 11% of young adults ages 18 to 29 and
nearly one-quarter of adults ages 30 to 39 have lost at least one parent. These percentages are significantly higher for Black young adults. Still, the resources available for people grieving in these age groups are lacking. Studies have found that young people find talking through their feelings and experiences with other people that have been through similar situations particularly helpful. Interaction through support groups has been shown to build trust and strong empathetic bonds between members, since many have experienced similar pain (Balk, Tyson-Rawson, and Colletti-Wetzel 1993).

That’s why what we hope to accomplish with the Two Daughters Foundation is so important. In our 20s and early 30s, we aren’t children anymore. While we may be more independent in many aspects of our life, we often still lean on our parents for support. Since we are in constant motion, our core support network may be distant. Our local support system might not be established yet. Grief in these circumstances is incredibly
lonely. Despite all of this, there aren’t consistent places for us to turn to for compassion, empathy, and peer support.

Two Daughters Foundation aims to change that. By providing resources specifically catered to the needs of young adults, offering local, accessible peer support groups, and bringing light to the specific challenges of grief in young adulthood, we hope to help young adults find the coping skills and connections they need to move forward and inspire others.

We are still a small non-profit, but we have an ambitious vision for change. We have personally experienced and witnessed the benefits of having a group of peers to turn to amidst the isolation of grief and uncertainty. We want that experience to be available to
anyone in our shoes, nationwide. However, we need the support of others to get there. If you’d like to help us achieve our goals, please visit our [Donate page](https://www.twodaughtersfoundation.org/donate) and help us build a strong, expansive network of support for all those facing grief and loss early in life.

Arnett, J. J. (2000). Emerging adulthood: A theory of development from the late teens through the twenties. American Psychologist, 55(5), 469–480. doi:10.1037/0003-066X.55.5.469

Balk, D. E., Tyson-­Rawson, K., & Colletti-­Wetzel, J. (1993). Social support as an intervention with bereaved college students. Death Studies, 17(5), 427–450. doi:10.1080/07481189308253387

Schultz, L. E. (2007). The influence of maternal loss on young women’s experience of identity development in emerging adulthood. Death Studies, 31(1), 17–43. doi: 10.1080/07481180600925401

Solmi, M., Radua, J., Olivola, M. *et al.* Age at onset of mental disorders worldwide: large-scale meta-analysis of 192 epidemiological studies. *Mol Psychiatry* 27, 281–295 (2022). https://doi.org/10.1038/s41380-021-01161-7

## Navigating Grief During the Holidays

URL: https://www.twodaughtersfoundation.org/blog/navigating-grief-during-the-holidays
Author: Shannon Bell | Published: 2024-08-23

Thanksgiving is just around the corner, and right after that, the holiday season will kick into full gear. Since this will be the first holiday season we spend without our mother, and we know that this season can be particularly challenging for anyone that has faced loss, we wanted to know what experts recommend, and what others have found helpful as they cope with grief during the holidays.

One strategy we plan on implementing this holiday season is the Three Cs – Choose, Communicate, and Compromise – recommended by the [Hospice Foundation of America](https://hospicefoundation.org/End-of-Life-Support-and-Resources/Grief-Support/Journeys-with-Grief-Articles/Three-C-s-for-Holiday-Grief), and developed by Kenneth J. Doka, PhD, MDiv.

### Choose

Whether its Friendsgiving, holiday parties, or New Year celebrations, you may feel overwhelmed by obligation. Though you may feel a lot of pressure to be there for all of these gatherings, be kind to yourself. These events can bring a lot of stress and trigger grief, and you should never feel guilty for prioritizing your mental health. Choose what
events you feel most comfortable attending. It might be helpful to have a close friend that is also planning on attending the event that you can talk to about how you’re feeling. That way, if you wake up the day of the event feeling particularly down or low on energy, you have someone you’re comfortable talking to, and they can let the host know if you decide you can no longer attend.

### Communicate

Talking with the people around you, whether they have been impacted by the same loss or not, can be helpful to ensure that others understand how you are feeling. You may also better understand how others grieving the same loss may differ in how they choose to process and cope during the holidays. In either case, communication is key to making sure that all of us spending time together during the holidays respect and understand
each other’s boundaries.

### Compromise

Since everyone processes grief in a different way, it is important to be willing to compromise during this time of year. Some of us feel comforted by certain reminders of their loved ones. Others may find them upsetting and would rather avoid them. Communicating with your family or friends, figuring out where you differ in what you want or need, and agreeing on a compromise will help everyone feel more respected and more connected to one another.

### What Has Helped Others

I reached out to friends and followers on Instagram and asked what has helped them cope with grief during the holiday season. Several individuals contributed their ideas, which I compiled below. I am very grateful to them for sharing their stories and what has helped or comforted them through their experience navigating grief. Hopefully their ideas provide some inspiration for what might help you and/or your family navigate grief, whether it’s during the holidays or any other time of year.

#### Take Time for Yourself

> “Be ready to accept the tough feelings that you know you’ll encounter. Early on in my grieving I pushed feelings away to stay cheerful and strong for the rest of my family, but through therapy I realized the importance of holding space for those feelings and taking the time to feel them. Recognize that those feelings will inevitably arise during the holidays and make sure to set aside private time for journaling and sitting with those feelings in the midst of the holiday bustling."

> "Take care of yourself. Grieving during the holidays can be emotionally exhausting, and it is important to give yourself grief. Get lots of sleep, go on a walk to get some fresh air, and don’t be too hard on yourself if you feel like you can’t do all of the hundred things you planned to accomplish over the holidays. It’s okay to stay home and cry instead of going to get drinks for the third night in a row.”

#### Revisit Happy Memories

> “Take the time to revisit happy memories. I like to pull out cards that my dad wrote me and look at old photos. Being home for the holidays brings up memories of him, and I like to be intentional about embracing those reminders. As I have become more comfortable talking about him, I like to share the happy memories that I come across with my mother and brother.”

#### Bring Together and Stay Connected to Family and Friends

> “Nothing really fills the void, but after my brother passed away, my mom used to host a Christmas party and invite all of his best friends. It was an evening of good food and just being around the people he loved the most.”

> “I always call my aunt (my dad’s sister) during the holidays. Staying connected to your loved ones who are also feeling the same loss is a mutually beneficial experience.”

#### Cook or Bake Their Signature Recipes or Favorite Holiday Meal

> “I turn to cooking the recipes my grandmother passed down that we cooked together during the holidays.”

> “Remaking recipes from loved ones, to remember them and also have a little bit of them around for the holiday season.”

> “I love to make my mom’s apple pie, which she always made for Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners. She taught me how to make it and we always made it together this time of year. Every time I bake it and smell the pastry and cinnamon-y apples, it takes me right back to those special times with her.”

> “Although my dad isn’t here to share it anymore, it feels really special to have his favorite holiday indulgence on the table anyway.”

#### Engage in an Activity You Used to do with Your Loved One

> “My dad taught me to love running at an early age, and I think of him often when I run these days. When I am home, I run one of the routes we used to go on together. It has helped me unlock a lot of my feelings and I feel like it has enabled a lot of healing for me.”

#### Keep Their Heritage Alive

> “We like to still celebrate Boxing Day, which is a British holiday the day after Christmas. It’s nothing more than sitting around, eating, and watching TV, but it feels good to keep the English heritage alive. We also always buy Christmas crackers, which are little poppers that you pull on and they have paper crowns and small prizes. Wearing the paper
> crown is a silly, lighthearted way to remember my dad that won’t have too much weight to upset those in my family who are still very sensitive to too many reminders.”

> “This year will be the first year I’ll be making Dutch bitterballen and oliebollen alone, without my mom, but I am looking forward to it. It feels good to be able to keep making these traditional foods that she loved, that she taught me, and that represented our Dutch heritage. I am also looking forward to the day that I have kids and can celebrate Sinterklaas with them and tell them all about what Dutch treats their grandmother stuffed into our wooden shoes as kids.”

## A Few Tips for Coping When You've Just Lost a Parent

URL: https://www.twodaughtersfoundation.org/blog/a-few-tips-for-coping-when-youve-just-lost-a-parent
Author: Shannon Bell | Published: 2024-08-23

[Image by jcomp on Freepik](https://www.freepik.com/free-photo/closeup-two-young-lovers-holding-hands-table_10399637.htm#query=closeup-two-young-lovers-holding-hands-table&position=0&from_view=search&track=sph)

Hi all,

Losing a parent is something you can never prepare for. In my case, it wasn’t even necessarily surprising, because she was so sick, but it hurt in ways I could never see coming. My relationship with my mother was an incredibly supportive and loving one, and when she passed, it became abundantly clear how many parts of my daily life would change. In the wake of her death, I found myself grieving not only for myself, but for my dad, my sister, my grandparents, and my mom, who missed out on so many of the years
and the moments she had always looked forward to.

I am by no means an expert in grief, and I can only speak on what worked for me, but I hope that by sharing a few things that helped me in the weeks and months after my mom’s death, you can find something that eases your pain too.

### Write Down Everything, Big and Small, That Made Your Parent Who They Were

This seems like a really simple thing, but it felt incredibly healing to me in the days right after my mom died. I realized that there were a million little things that I might forget about my mom if I didn’t write them down, and every single one of them felt so much more important once she was gone.

I wrote down things like:

- She made an amazing apple pie
- She unironically watched Hallmark movies during every season (not just Christmas)
- She loved wine and 7-up
- She was a diehard Seattle Seahawks fan

When you put all of those little things together, it makes you realize that what made your parent so special – what makes all of us special – is a compilation of countless little quirks and preferences and behaviors. Putting them all down on paper gave me something to look at, smile, and remember moments that I might not have otherwise been able to pull from my memory.

### Work with Family to Aggregate Photos and Videos

In addition to my tip above, I highly recommend working together with your family to pool the most precious photos and all the videos you have of your parent. Photos are a great way to reminisce on special memories. Videos are even better. You’ll never be more grateful to hear your parent say just about anything. Any video containing the sound of
their voice is, in my opinion, worth keeping forever.

Also check for old voicemails. I've listened to the two I found over and over, because I get to hear her like she was every single day, calling me by my nickname and saying "I love you."

### Seek Out Mental Health Care

Initially I didn’t feel like attending therapy, because talking about it just felt exhausting. However, I forced myself to at least try, and I did find it helpful to talk to someone removed from the situation. My therapist has given me helpful tips for sorting through my feelings and giving myself a break when I feel like I’m not handling everything
in my life right now perfectly.

This isn’t the first time I’ve done therapy; I did it periodically throughout my mom’s treatment. However, as anyone who has attempted to find a therapist knows, it is a difficult process. When I’d sought out therapists in the past, through the Blue Cross Blue Shield Federal Employee Program, I could not find one, even after calling a representative to ask for help. When I joined Kaiser Permanente as part of my new job, I was able to get set up with a therapist right away. (Another proactive tip related to this: if you have multiple options for health insurance, research the mental health care accessibility for different insurance companies in advance! It may save you a lot of time and stress in the future.)

All of this is to say, try your best to find the right care. Even if you do get set up with a therapist right away, if you don’t feel like you’re gaining anything from talking with them, switch to a different one. See if your hospital has grief counseling resources as well if you can’t find a therapist right away. Unfortunately, our health care system does not always make it easy (or affordable) to access mental health care resources, but by taking initiative and asking for help, you often get where you need to be.

### Talk About How You’re Feeling with Your Family (if you feel comfortable enough)

For pretty much my whole life, my mom was my primary source of advice, support and love. I was afraid, even before she died, that our family would become distant, and I wouldn’t have that type of person in my family again. My parents always complemented each other well; my dad provided a goofy sense of humor and calmness, and my mom provided the outright statements of love and pride. It was hard after she died to bring
myself to talk about my fears with my dad, because I thought he might get offended. However, when I did have an honest conversation about my fears and all the things I thought we might lose as a family without mom there, he understood, and he spoke honestly about all the ways he was different as a parent compared to mom and how he would try his best to fill those gaps for my sister and I. Even though I know he can’t fill the hole that mom’s absence leaves, it felt good to let him know how important he is to me and how much I want for us to be there for each other even more.

If you approach your family with your concerns and fears and let them know how much they mean to you, it may help you better understand what every one of you needs and wants as you move forward and establish a new normal. And don’t feel the need to rush any conversations; let yourself process your own feelings first.

### Try New Things

To help take my mind off of some of the things I used to do that may not feel the same anymore, I decided to take up new hobbies. I watched the Tour de France for the first time and bought myself a road bike and all the gear that goes with it. I also started this non-profit, with very little idea of what I was doing. Even just changing up how I went about my day and spent my time made a difference in how I was able to deal with all the other changes I couldn’t control.

I’ve had the perspective, since my mom’s death, that my life has been divided. One life ended when my mom died, and another began. Trying new things is just part of that, and I’ve genuinely enjoyed exploring hobbies and taking on opportunities that I may not have ever considered doing in the past.

See what you naturally take interest in over the course of your grieving process and run with it if it feels right. It never hurts to do something for yourself in this time, and you might end up with a lifelong hobby or unique experiences that you otherwise wouldn’t have had.

### Let Yourself Be Angry, Sad, Distant, Or Whatever Feels Natural

Grieving is a unique experience. You can talk about it or process alone. You can lean on the people around you or find strength in yourself. You can dive into new hobbies or projects or just take time to regain some comfort in what you used to enjoy. Your emotions, whether anger, sadness, frustration, confusion, or some mix of many, are valid. Take and give whatever feels comfortable to you now, and don’t worry about what you are or aren’t doing for those around you. Grief is all-consuming, and it is often unpredictable, so don’t be surprised if you react differently than you would have expected. Trust your instincts, do what feels right, and feel whatever emotions feel most natural in the moment.

Hopefully these tips are helpful and give you some hope when it comes to what you can do to cope in the early days of grief. If you have any additional ideas on coping strategies that you have found helpful, please feel free send us an email and we can include them in a future post. Also, let us know if any of these were helpful or resonated with you!

Sending lots of love.

xx

Shannon

## Survey: Help Us Chart a Path Forward!

URL: https://www.twodaughtersfoundation.org/blog/survey-help-us-chart-a-path-forward
Author: Shannon Bell | Published: 2024-08-23

[Link to Survey!](https://forms.gle/4vR3Mum2w2HRkmB36)

By clicking the link above, you can access a survey we just created to determine both the extent of our current network and the preferences of our audience in terms of topics and resources.

By completing the survey, you are making a big difference in helping us move forward in the most meaningful and productive way. And it takes less than two minutes to complete!

Whether you have experienced grief early in life, or you know someone who might benefit from the support we are aiming to provide, please share your thoughts and help us chart a path forward.

Thank you for your participation!

## Science in Summary : Unconscious Avoidance

URL: https://www.twodaughtersfoundation.org/blog/science-in-summary-unconscious-avoidance
Author: Shannon Bell | Published: 2024-08-23

##### [Image by Freepik](https://www.freepik.com/free-photo/arrangement-optimism-element-with-copy-space_12558596.htm)

Hello, and welcome to the inaugural post of the Science in Summary series! With this series, we hope to make research more accessible and interesting by breaking down some of the most impactful, thought-provoking, and inspiring research out there. In this post, we summarize the insights, methods, results, and implications of the study presented in the journal article, “Ongoing Monitoring of Mindwandering in Avoidant Grief Through
Cortico-Basal-Ganglia Interactions” (Schneck et al., 2018).

Avoiding reminders of our lost loved one(s) may be a familiar coping strategy to those of us that have experienced loss. Sometimes we consciously avoid situations that may intensify the grief in the early weeks and months, when we are still comprehending and processing. However, when this pattern continues, it can contribute to prolonged grief and the avoidance may take place in ways we aren’t even aware of.

In the study of focus here, researchers set out to demonstrate that avoidant grievers - those that exhibit prolonged avoidance of thoughts about their loss - can block arising thoughts about their lost loved one from reaching consciousness. Their results confirmed this process, as avoidant grievers were significantly more likely to monitor their thoughts and unconsciously suppress any that represented their loss.

Avoidant grieving is a style of grieving that aims to ease the pain of loss by simply avoiding any thoughts that might make it worse. Though the goal is to decrease the frequency of thoughts about loss, previous studies have found that, paradoxically, avoidant grievers often think more frequently of their loss than non-avoidant grievers (Bonnanno et al., 2005; Eisma et al., 2013); Eisma et al., 2014; Eisma et al., 2015). Avoidant grievers are constantly scanning their physical environment for potential
reminders of their loss. However, even when there are no physical reminders of the person they lost, they must still contend with the random, spontaneous thoughts that can pop up when the mind wanders. To counteract this, the mind can scan for these thoughts and suppress them before the person ever becomes aware that they existed.

Mindwandering, however, accounts for nearly half of mental activity (Killingsworth & Gilbert, 2010), and the constant unconscious scanning for thoughts of loss may spur on additional reminders of one’s grief. The action of trying to suppress these thoughts about loss is considered an ironic process. In such a process, the mind unconsciously searches the mental state for unwanted or uncomfortable content, which the individual can then suppress before it reaches consciousness (Wegner, 1994). The irony of this process is that in constantly scanning one’s mind for reminders of loss, the mind often becomes preoccupied with these thoughts, meaning they occur more frequently and become more noticeable.

To determine how exactly this process occurs, researchers observed how well people were able to focus on a boring, repetitive task without directing their attention towards suppressing thoughts about their lost loved one. Subjects in this study had lost either a spouse or partner within the last 14 months.

Figure 1. The experimental set up. A) Includes words related to the deceased in different colors. The respondent has to identify the color of the word as quickly as possible. B) The participant views either pictures of the person, hears stories of the person, or must imagine what it would be like to be with the person. C) Provides a series of numbers, with the instruction that the respondent is to press the button for all numbers but “3”. After the block, the respondent is asked how much they thought about the deceased.  D) The same set up as C) but with probes attached to monitor brain activity (Schneck et al., 2018).

The pattern training tasks, shown in Figure 1A and 1B, were aimed at finding the pathways in the brain that are activated when a subject thinks about their lost loved one. Researchers were able to accomplish this using machine learning. The pattern expression tasks, shown in Figure 1C and 1D, were designed to be fairly dull and repetitive so respondents’ minds might be inclined to wander. Since the pattern expression tasks contain no representations of their loved one, any thoughts of their loved one would have
to be self-generated. These tasks can therefore show when avoidant grievers unconsciously suppress self-generated thoughts about their loss.

Those who had higher measures of grief avoidance had a significantly higher number of thoughts about their loss when completing the pattern expression task with the thought probes. As Noam Schneck, the lead author of the study, explained in an [article
for Columbia Engineering](https://www.engineering.columbia.edu/news/paul-sajda-editing-consciousness), “Even though they are not aware of it, avoidant grievers actively control their mental state so that spontaneous thoughts of loss do not enter their consciousness. This kind of tailoring of mind wandering likely exhausts mental energy and leads to time periods when the thoughts actually do break through. It is like an ineffective pop-up blocker that runs in the background of your computer. You might not be aware that it’s there but it slows down the overall operating speed and eventually breaks down and the pop ups get through.”

The researchers in this study emphasize that in treating avoidant grievers, clinicians should prioritize the relaxation of those unconscious and conscious mental controls that suppress thoughts about their lost loved one. Training in mindfulness and acceptance may help grievers process those thoughts more consciously.

If you would like to learn more about the methods, results, and conclusions of this study, as well as find related studies, please reference the published article, cited here:

Noam Schneck, Tao Tu, Stefan Haufe, George A Bonanno, Hanga GalfaIvy, Kevin Ochsner, J John Mann, Paul Sajda (2018). Ongoing Monitoring of Mindwandering in Avoidant Grief Through Cortico-Basal-Ganglia Interactions. *Social Cognitive and
Affective Neuroscience*, DOI: [10.1093/scan/nsy114](http://dx.doi.org/10.1093/scan/nsy114)

Additional References:

Algom D., Chajut E.,
Lev S. (2004). A rational look at the emotional stroop phenomenon: a generic
slowdown, not a stroop effect. *Journal of Experimental Psychology General*,
133(3), 323–338.

Bonanno G.A., Papa A.,
Lalande K., Zhang N., Noll J.G. (2005). Grief processing and deliberate
grief avoidance: a prospective comparison of bereaved spouses and parents in
the United States and the People's Republic of China. *Journal of
Consulting and Clinical Psychology*, 73(1), 86–98.

Eisma M. C., Stroebe
M. S., Schut H. A., Stroebe W., Boelen P. A., Bout J. (2013) Avoidance
processes mediate the relationship between rumination and symptoms of
complicated grief and depression following loss. *Journal of Abnormal
Psychology*, 122(4), 961–970.

Eisma M. C., Schut H.
A., Stroebe M. S., Bout J., Stroebe W., Boelen P. A. (2014) Is rumination
after bereavement linked with loss avoidance? Evidence from eye-tracking. *PLoS
One*, 9(8), e104980.

Eisma M.C., Rinck M.,
Stroebe M.S., et al. (2015). Rumination and implicit avoidance following
bereavement: an approach avoidance task investigation. *Journal of
Behavior Therapy and Experimental Psychiatry*, 47, 84–91.

Evarts, Holly (December 10, 2018). “Editing
Consciousness: How Bereaved People Control Their Thoughts Without Knowing It.” Columbia
University School of Engineering and Applied Science. < [https://www.engineering.columbia.edu/news/paul-sajda-editing-consciousness](https://www.engineering.columbia.edu/news/paul-sajda-editing-consciousness)>.

Holle C., Neely J.H.,
Heimberg R.G. (1997). The effects of blocked versus random presentation
and semantic relatedness of stimulus words on response to a modified Stroop
task among social phobics. *Cognitive Therapy and Research*, 21(6),
681–697.

Killingsworth M.A.,
Gilbert D.T. (2010). A wandering mind is an unhappy mind. *Science*, 330(6006),
932.

Wegner D.M.
(1994). Ironic processes of mental control. *Psychological Review*, 101(1),
34–52.

Whalen P.J., Bush G.,
McNally R.J., et al. (1998). The emotional counting Stroop paradigm: a
functional magnetic resonance imaging probe of the anterior cingulate affective
division. *Biological Psychiatry*, 44(12), 1219–1228.

Williams J.M., Mathews
A., MacLeod C. (1996). The emotional Stroop task and psychopathology. *Psychological
Bulletin*, 120(1), 3–24.

## Self Care : Yoga for Mental Health

URL: https://www.twodaughtersfoundation.org/blog/self-care-yoga-for-mental-health
Author: Nicole Bell | Published: 2024-08-23

##### [Image by drobotdean on Freepik](https://www.freepik.com/free-photo/sports-lady-standing-beach-make-yoga-exercises_7811327.htm#page=3&query=yoga&position=46&from_view=search&track=sph%22)

I want to preface this post by saying that yoga is an ancient practice,
and is far more than stretching or a tool for stress management. Yoga has deep
roots in spirituality, mindfulness, and more. In fact, there are eight limbs of
yoga, only one of which is asana (physical poses). The focus of this blog will
be on yoga as a tool to get present in your body, mitigate stress, and spend
time with your*self* during an incredibly stress and anxiety-inducing time. I 
plan to  write more in-depth posts about specific aspects of yoga and their relation to grief and vulnerability, so consider this somewhat of an introduction blog. If you’re interested in reading more about the history of yoga, amongst other things, please see the resources listed at the end of this blog.

Something I noticed, or more so *felt*, during the period of time that my mother was very ill was how much I sat. I sat in the car on the way to the hospital, I sat in a chair or on her bed in the hospital, I sat on our living room couch next to her for weeks. I sat. Not only
did I sit, I hunched. Stressed and sometimes holding my head in my hands, I caved in on myself for several months. My body felt it. My mind felt it.

Yoga translates to “union,” that being the union of the mind and the body. The Sanskrit root ‘Yuj’ means ‘to unite,’ ‘to integrate,’ ‘to harness.’ The practice can help reconnect us to our bodies when we have created distance, for whatever reason. Sometimes we disconnect from our bodies intentionally, sometimes subconsciously, to protect ourselves in situations of trauma or high stress. Know that the practice of yoga is there for you, when you feel ready.

Let’s talk about the physical: yoga can improve muscle strength, flexibility, hormone function, and more (Parshad 2004). Research indicates that not only can yoga mitigate symptoms of stress (Chong et al. 2011), a regular practice of yoga can also make us more resilient to stressful situations (Parshad 2004). Further studies are needed to ascertain long-term benefits (Chong et al. 2011). Overall, yoga is a promising tool for stress management (Sharma 2014).

What is most important is how yoga makes you feel in your body. There are infinite asanas (poses), styles of yoga, teachings of yoga, etc. Just like not all forms of movement will feel good in your body, it is likely that you will resonate with certain styles of yoga over others. For example, heated vinyasa yoga in combination with a yin practice is what I do. A regular restorative practice, or hatha practice, may feel the best in your body. The yoga practice that you feel the best, the most at peace with, is the one you’re going to
actually *do.* There’s enough pressure off the yoga mat, when you’re dealing with grief and its many manifestations. You need not bring that pressure onto your yoga mat. Take the pressure off–create it as an open exploration of your own body.

Here’s some poses you may want to try. When you are first beginning a yoga practice, keep it simple. There is no need to do a full 45 or 60 minute practice, unless you truly want to. Doing one pose counts. Doing two poses counts. Intentionally connecting with and caring for your body is meaningful, no matter the minutes.

Legs up the wall:

Creating this pose is simple. Find a spot where you’ve got some free wall space. Lay onto your back, with your hips as close to the wall as you can, and send your legs up the wall.
Feel free to add a pillow under your head, a blanket over your body, or any other form of support. I like to hold this pose for between 5 - 7 minutes.

*Benefits:*
Since this pose is considered an inversion, it aids with circulation in the body. Inversions can also promote relaxation, so it’s a great pose to do before bed or after dinner. You’ll also lengthen your hamstrings and release pressure on your lower back.

Reclined frog pose:

You can also use a wall for this pose, or omit the wall if it’s not convenient. Lay onto your back and bend your legs out to the side. You’re creating a goalpost shape with the legs: work your knees in line with your hips to your sides, and your ankles in line with your knees. If you’ve got the wall, plant your heels on it for extra support. Either way, you can use your hands on your inner thighs to gently press downward and deepen the posture. I recommend holding this posture for 5 minutes.

*Benefits*:

Frog pose is a double hip opener, as it creates an
external rotation in both of your hip joints. If you’re spending a lot of time
sitting, your hips are closed. This is a great way to open up your hips—your
intensity lever is how wide you let your knees fall open. Note that this pose
is naturally uncomfortable, but it shouldn’t feel painful (no yoga pose
should).

Warrior 2 + Star pose flow:

For Warrior 2 (right side), step your right foot near the top of your mat, facing 12 o’clock. Plant your feet hip-width apart, and plant the whole sole of your left foot somewhere between 9 and 11 o’clock behind you in a lunge position. Reach your hands up above you as you work your left hip point forward, and your right hip point back. To transition into star pose, straighten both of your legs, and point your toes to the left side of your mat. Reach your hands high up above your head, and take up as much space as possible. *To take with breath*: Warrior 2 (exhale), Star pose (inhale), Warrior 2 (exhale), Star pose (inhale), etc… until you feel complete.

*Benefits*:

These poses (and flow) will challenge your legs, if you want something to get your heart rate up and build more heat in the muscles. It’s also a great way to connect with breath.

If you would like to learn more about yoga, consider these resources:

The Yamas & Niyamas by Deborah Adele.

How Yoga Works by Michael Roach.

The Yoga Sutras of Patanjali by Sri Swami Satchidananda.

Yoga Anatomy by Leslie Kaminoff and Amy Matthews.

Citations:

Chong, C.S.M., Tsunaka,
M., Tsang, H.W.H., Chan, E.P., Cheung, W.M., 2011. Effects of Yoga on Stress
Management in Healthy Adults: A Systematic Review. Alternative Therapies in
Health and Medicine 17, 32–8.

Parshad, O., 2004. Role
of yoga in stress management. West Indian Med J 53, 191–194.

Sharma, M., 2014. Yoga
as an Alternative and Complementary Approach for Stress Management: A
Systematic Review. J Evid Based Complementary Altern Med 19, 59–67. [https://doi.org/10.1177/2156587213503344](https://doi.org/10.1177/2156587213503344)

## Ovarian Cancer : Trust Your Instincts

URL: https://www.twodaughtersfoundation.org/blog/ovarian-cancer-trust-your-instincts
Author: Shannon Bell | Published: 2024-08-23

[Image by Freepik](https://www.freepik.com/free-photo/crop-hands-with-light-blue-ribbon_1540040.html)

When I visited home for Christmas in 2019, I had a brief conversation with my mom that haunts me to this day. She was telling me about how she had to pee so much more lately – how she had to get up so much more during the night – and that when she went in to see her doctor, she had attributed it to her “just getting older.” A somewhat infuriating assumption by her doctor, considering at the time she was only 57 and increased need to urinate is a common symptom of ovarian cancer.

My mom was keenly aware of changes in her body, but she was strong and resilient, and she never thought something so deadly could just sneak up on her. Ovarian cancer is a disease that in almost all cases only makes itself known when it becomes almost impossible to cure.[ Only 20% of cases are caught in stages I or II](https://ovarian.org/about-ovarian-cancer/what-is-ovarian-cancer/?utm_term=ovarian%20cancer%20statistics&utm_campaign=About+Ovarian+Cancer+1&utm_source=adwords&utm_medium=ppc&hsa_acc=9835623983&hsa_cam=12621261328&hsa_grp=123687503967&hsa_ad=509726847358&hsa_src=g&hsa_tgt=kwd-93701016&hsa_kw=ovarian%20cancer%20statistics&hsa_mt=b&hsa_net=adwords&hsa_ver=3&gclid=CjwKCAjw5MOlBhBTEiwAAJ8e1qexc2fMTZBBdADRD7K0awewWrhkiIYOvXNdywPD2jJkAqiIcgDsrBoCUtEQAvD_BwE), and the prognosis for
cancer that has progressed beyond that is bleak. The average five-year survival
rate [drops by 33% between stages II and III](https://ocrahope.org/get-the-facts/staging/?utm_source=google_cpc&utm_medium=ad_grant&utm_campaign=stages&gclid=CjwKCAjw5MOlBhBTEiwAAJ8e1pN1JhgS9Y9uJLwzTMP8EqUFL-GMj5ImUZzOXjDNKC7hwwgJUvFEwBoC8gIQAvD_BwE) (74% for stage II and 41% for stage III).
The relative five-year survival rate for ovarian cancer at any stage, based on
stage at diagnosis, is 50%. In comparison, the five-year relative survival rate
for breast cancer is [over 90%.](https://seer.cancer.gov/statfacts/html/breast.html) There is also no screening for ovarian cancer, like there is with cervical cancer and breast cancer. As a result, it is essential that those of us at risk remain vigilant of any changes in our bodies and advocate for ourselves when we feel
like something is wrong.

To help you better understand what to look for in yourself or your loved ones, I have compiled a detailed list of symptoms associated with ovarian cancer. If you are experiencing any of the following symptoms on a regular basis, don’t stop yourself from visiting your doctor just because you think you might be acting dramatic. [Over 19,000 people in the United States](https://cancerstatisticscenter.cancer.org/?_gl=1*1e71prq*_ga*MTgxNTcyMzQ5OC4xNjg5MzcxODM2*_ga_12CJLLFFQT*MTY4OTM3MTgzNi4xLjEuMTY4OTM3MTgzOS4wLjAuMA..&_ga=2.195156782.389169210.1689371837-1815723498.1689371836#!/cancer-site/Ovary) will be diagnosed with this deadly disease in 2023, and for most of them, their symptoms will have appeared very innocent.

The most common symptoms of ovarian cancer,
according to the American Cancer Society include:

- Bloating
- Pelvic or abdominal (belly) pain
- Trouble eating or feeling full quickly
- Urinary symptoms such as urgency (always feeling like you need to pee) or frequency (feeling like you need to go pee more often than normal)

Other symptoms may include:

- Fatigue (extreme tiredness)
- Upset stomach
- Back pain
- Pain during sex
- Constipation
- Changes in your period (like heavier bleeding than normal or irregular bleeding)
- Abdominal (belly) swelling with weight loss

These symptoms are also seen with many other less dangerous conditions, and as a result, doctors may be inclined to attribute them to something benign. However, since ovarian cancer has so few early symptoms, and those symptoms overlap with many other conditions, it is essential that our doctors take a proactive approach and rule it out before
making assumptions based on probability.

If you feel, at any point while receiving care from your doctor, that you cannot rely on them to take steps to ensure your wellbeing, don’t be afraid to switch to another doctor. Seeking out a proactive, committed doctor early on can make all the difference in catching and curing diseases like ovarian cancer that so often fly under the radar.

## Welcome to the Very Beginning

URL: https://www.twodaughtersfoundation.org/blog/welcome-to-the-very-beginning
Author: Shannon Bell | Published: 2024-08-23

Hello everyone! Welcome to the online space
curated specifically for young people facing the serious illness of a parent or
the loss of a parent. Having experienced both in the past 3 years, I understand
your pain, and I hope that what this site becomes helps at least reduce the
feelings of isolation that naturally accompany this experience.

When my mother was diagnosed with ovarian
cancer in early 2020, I felt like something inside me had broken. I went
through many different stages in my anticipatory grief journey, alternating
between seeking empathy, information, mental health resources, and answers on
whether anything I was feeling was normal.

As I sit here writing this today, it has
been four and a half months since I lost my mom. If you’d asked me several
months ago what I would be doing at this point after her death, I can guarantee
I would not have said I’d be taking on a totally new venture with no idea where
to even start. I probably would have predicted I’d still be feeling like the
bare minimum was more than enough. But everything about grief, along with the
situations that bring it on, is unexpected and unpredictable.

After my mom died, I felt devastated, but I
also felt directionless. My mother was my biggest role model, and I was always
eager to share with her every little update that I thought she’d be proud of.
When she was gone, I wondered if anything I did would feel as meaningful again.

My mother was brilliant, and by my age she
was already a professor. She made a career out of helping people, always trying
to find new ways to improve the livelihoods of those around her. When she
passed, I had just started my first real job out of graduate school; it hadn’t
come easy after almost a year of job hunting. I only had two weeks before she
died to give her some idea of how my career was starting. I wanted her to see
so much more.

A death like this has a way of making you
feel very small; being the bottom rung of the ladder in your career only
exacerbates that. I wanted to do more to fill the hole my mom left in the world
and fulfill the potential she always saw in me. I also wanted to put all my
feelings and pain to use in some way, so maybe someone else could find the
answers more easily than I was able to. So, the idea of Two Daughters
Foundation was born, and I built it out.

For now, I have to start small, though my
tendency is to want to do everything at once. Coming soon is a discussion forum
where young people can come together to ask questions, seek advice, provide
support, vent, and pay tribute to those fighting and those lost. I will also be
adding information on mental health care resources with the goal that someday
we will be able to provide financial assistance to those who face barriers to
care. I’ve got plenty of other ideas bouncing around in my head: merch,
podcast, in-person events and fundraisers?? The benefit of being here early is
you can help shape what we become, so please don’t keep your ideas to yourself!

From this point forward, this blog will be
dedicated to sharing information on topics related to grief, parental illness
experiences, promising research, and your stories.

Please reach out via our contact page with
any ideas on how Two Daughters Foundation can better serve you, and please feel
free to share your stories as well. We would love to honor you and your loved
ones any way we can.

Stay tuned for much more to come!